blahblahblah and other rambling thoughts

OK. so I've been getting out a bit lately. Most of which has been in the company of a sweet great guy I'll call B. He's an awesome guy so far. We've been "dating" for about 2 weeks now. He's adorable as all get out, though he does sort of remind me of my Stepdad in some ways. Not that it's a totally bad thing, my Stepdad is an amazing guy and I love him very much, it's just weird to realize you're dating a guy that reminds you so much of your dad at times,lol.

I "met" B on a free online dating site thing, kind of like Myspace but geared more toward dating. We had emailed a few times on there, tried to talk a few times on YIM but kept catching each other at bad times. I finally got to have a real conversation with him the day after my Grandpa died in April. When I got back he was the first person to ask how I was doing. Anyhow, when I got back he asked if I wanted a distraction, that he'd love to take me to dinner so we could meet in person and talk. So I said sure, why not. We made dinner plans for a Monday night after work at this little Italian place. we were both nervous as hell, he gave me a hug when I walked in the restaurant. we sat down talked for a few minutes, ordered dinner, talked and laughed. He complimented me on my eyes and my smile, and said i was a lot cuter in person that my pics were deceiving the public,lol. anyhow halfway into out appetizer I realized i was having fun and that i wasn't nervous and actually liked this guy!!! weirdness huh? After dinner we went to this little dive bar and played pool and laughed and talked about everything from movies to music, our families, or past relationships, basically everything. Had a blast, we stepped outside so i could have a cigarette and found out it was almost 11:30! So we decided we should get moving so I could get home and in bed for work.(since I work at 9am and he doesn't even have to wake up til then,lol) he walked me to my car, gave me a hug and said he had a lot of fun and hoped to see me again. Then proceeded to give me the best 'goodnight' kiss ever! For an hour and a half,lol. Anyhow, we went out 3 more times that week, twice this past week, and I'll see him again on Sunday. SO far the more i spend time with him, the more I like him.we haven't actually discussed a relationship, both of us are a bit guarded in that respect, but we both agree that we have a blast together doing anything or nothing. So, yeah B is a blast. I'll fill in more if/when anything progresses there. The other night i was at B's place and we watched 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind".... amazing movie..... really good and so nothing like i expected it to be. I'm definitely going to have to go buy it now. Almost as good a love story as 'Punch Drunk Love', which is next on my thought process of movies we can watch, since I love that movie and he's never seen it.. hehe...

I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about my past relationships, mistakes I've made, etc. I know that I always tend to pick the totally wrong guys for whatever reason.I pick guys who usually have the emotional capacity of a lump of coal. Selfish, immature, rude, unloving men who only think and do for themselves. men who want a mother figure or a maid or someone to occupy a role they think they have figured out in their mind, that are in need of some sort of help or healing in some way. And I, with my overwhelming maternal instincts take it upon myself to care for and about these men. I want everyone to be happy, more so than I care about my own happiness. I put them before myself. I do whatever I can to try to make them happy and feel safe and be secure... all the while dying a little inside with each one of them because I don't get anything in return. Why do I keep doing this? I don't know. I just have this part of me that says "you can make them happy and make everything better" and for some reason I listen to that voice before I trust my better judgement... stupid really. Repeated mistakes, the SAME mistakes over and over again. But I am making myself not do it anymore. I am forcing myself to enjoy going out when i can. to not throw myself on top of a relationship like its some sort of floatation device in the sea of life. I am focusing on myself, what will make ME happy, what I want to try. If I happen to find a great guy along the way to share these things with, so be it. But never again will I jump headlong into a relationship with out getting to know the man I am interested in a bit. I have my little list of traits in a man that i want, can give or take, and most importantly will not make exceptions about. I am not looking to find the great love of my life anytime soon, and I really doubt I"ll find him online. I want to have fun with great men... not sex mind you, just FUN!!! Going out, having fun, hanging out, being stupid, playing pool, going to concerts, etc. I just wish there were men that are man enough to have a platonic friendship and see what happens over time. I know I'm a great woman. Hopefully I'll one day find that great MAN that appreciates me and admires the quirks that me the great woman I am...... That's all for now... Have a great weekend kiddies....